The Big Page of Bagpipe Humour

Bagpipes - I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made object never equalled the purity of sound achieved by the pig.

-Alfred Hitchcock

Q. What's the definition of a minor second?

A. Two bagpipes playing in unison.

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?

A. No one cries when you chop up an bagpipe.

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?

A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?

A. To get away from the bagpipe recital.

Q. Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their dashboards?

A. So they can park in handicapped zones.

Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?

A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.

Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?

A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

Q. What's the difference between the Great Highland and Northumbrian bagpipes?

A. The GHB burns longer [but the Northumbrian burns hotter]

Q. What do you call bagpiper with half a brain?

A. Gifted.

Q. What's the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe?

A. You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.

Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Five, one to handle the bulb and the other four to contemplate how Bill Livingston would have done it.

Q. How many bagpipers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A. 5-one to do it, and four to criticise his fingering style.

Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?

A. The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.

Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?

A. Add vibrato.

Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Five. One to handle the bulb, the other four to tell him how much better they could have done it.

Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?

A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.

Q. What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead bagpiper in the road?

A. Skid marks in front of the snake.

Q. What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?

A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.

Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?

A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.

Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?

A. A bagpiper.

Q. What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test?

A. Drool.

Q. What's the definition of a quarter tone?

A. A bagpiper tuning his drones.

Q. Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?

A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.

Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?

A. Someone is blowing into it.

Q. Why is a bagpipe like a Scud missile?

A. Both are offensive and inaccurate.

Q. What do bagpipers use for birth control?

A. Their personalities.

Q. How do you know if a bagpipe band is at your front door?

A. No one knows when to come in.

Q. Why did the bagpiper get mad at the drummer?

A. He moved a drone and wouldn't tell him which one.

If you took all the bagpipers in the world and laid them end to end-- it would be a good idea.

Q. What do you call ten bagpipes at the bottom of the ocean?

A. A start.

Q. If you drop a bagpipe and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first?

A. Who cares?

Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?

A. To get away from the sound.

Tom: "Hey, Buddy. How late does the bagpipe band play?"

Buddy: "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."

(A Hagar the Horrible Cartoon)

(Another Hagar the Horrible Cartoon)
(Possibly early converts to the Hamish Moore approach?!?!?!?!?)

Q. Why do bagpipers always walk when they play?

A. Moving targets are harder to hit.

Q. What does a bagpiper wear under his kilt?

A. Shoes and socks.

Q. Why do they call it a "kilt"?

A. Because a lot of people got kilt when they called it a skirt.


Drum Major: 

Leaps tall buildings in a single bound 

Faster than a speeding bullet 

More powerful than a locomotive Walks on Water 

Talks to God 


Leaps small buildings with a run-up 

Is a crack shot 

Pulls railway carriages

Fords rivers 

Listens to god 

Side Drummers: 

Vaults over fences 

Is allowed his own sidearm 

Can read a railway timetable 

Knows how to put on fishing gollashes 

Believes in God 

Tenor Drummers: 

Can open and walk through a door 

Knows which is the dangerous end of a gun 

Has his own train set 

Wears Wellington boots 

Talks to himself


Bass Drummers: 

Trips over matchsticks 

Is NEVER allowed near firearms 

Says "Look at CHOO-CHOO" 

Plays in puddles 

Nobody listens to him and finally. 


Lifts tall buildings and walks underneath them 

Catches bullets in his teeth and chews them 

Kicks locomotives off their tracks 

Drinks entire oceans 

He IS GOD!!!!

(A "Shoe" Cartoon)

Q. What's one thing you never hear people say?

A. Oh, that's the bagpipe player's Porsche.

Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone?

A: A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

Q. What's the definition of "optimism"

A. A bagpiper with a beeper.

Q. What's the difference between a bagpiper and a frog?

A. The frog might be getting a gig.  (Some South Florida Humor)

The lads are marching into battle, with the piper playing away like mad ...
The enemy's arrows, swords and spears are creating bloody slaughter all through the Irish ranks ...
Ten men down, and the piper plays on ...
Twenty men down, and still the pipes ring out.

Finally fifty men have fallen, and the chieftain says to the piper, "For heaven's sake, can you not play something they like?"

Q. The uilleann pipes are the only instrument declared safe by the National Transportation and Safety Board (NTSB) Why???

A. They have seat belts and an air bag.

Man walks into a session with an octopus and declares that his critter can play any instrument in the room and $50 backs up his outrageous claim.

So the fiddler hands over the fiddle, the octopus picks it up and plays beautifully, $50 to the octopus. Same for the drums, the guitar and banjo....

Then the piper declares he is sure to meet the bet and come out on top. So he hands over his pipes and the octopus turns them first one way then the other, and not a sound comes out of it. The owner looks little nervous and asks the octopus whats wrong.

"Play it? I'm still trying to get her out of these pajamas!!!!!!!!!"

This is a printable version of parts of Bill's Bagpipe Jokes page.